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Sunday, June 1st, 2008
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4:18 pm
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just got back from dre's graduation. realized that i dont remember much of mine, and i kinda wish i did. high school was definitely not the best years of my life, as some say.
and now im really tired.dont know why. dont know what to do tonight, hopefully someone calls me with an idea.
peace.
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(Find Me)
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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1:28 am - written about me by my argentinan friend....
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If there was a place,
and that place was you,
then you would open your eyes,
and they will show
something you never saw before.
before there was averything in between
between the light that you seek,
and the kindness you give,
there you will stand,
like you never stood before,
alone and strong,
willing for more,
more will come,
and more will bring you close
step by step,
the closer u get
the better youll see
that your not alone
because, do you see?
this place is you
your eyes are the proof
the proof that you exist,
and if you exist,
then my life,
my purpose.
my joy,
my wish
is for me to be,
in your place, with you, and free,,,,
current mood:  touched
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(Find Me)
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| Tuesday, October 16th, 2007
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4:34 pm - fresh outta psych class...
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and i couldnt be more pissed.
we're studying conditioning and shaping. so the prof thought an anorexia mini-documentary would be a fine learning tool for this. i knew the video would be triggering, i braced myself for it. but what i wasnt expecting was what he said after it.
apparently people with anorexia are "attention whores." they only act a certain way because the people and hospitals who try to help them reinforce the behavior.
now im not an expert, and i cant speak for anyone else, but i can speak from my own experiences.
When i wasnt eating my mom and relatives would often times yell at me to eat. my nutritionist spoke to me and treated me like i was a toddler. and the nurses at hospitals made fun of the state of my body and my condition. but i didnt start eating because of them.
I started eating again because i had something to live for-hockey-and it was slipping away from me by not eating. I was so weak i could barely skate let alone stand up without passing out. i realized playing hockey was more important to me than being thin and thats what saved me. so i slowly helped myself get better.
i had so many other reasons to start eating again, and i could go on forever listing them. But i can tell you for sure that reinforcement and "attention whoreing" would definitely not be on it.
So Fuck You Professor.
current mood:  contemplative
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(Find Me)
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
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2:17 pm
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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7:03 pm
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i promise myself right here that i will achieve what i am aiming for.
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(Find Me)
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1:28 pm
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i wish i were someone else. bdd is flaring up. it drives me insane. maube thats why i sleep too much. i need to escape.
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(Find Me)
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| Thursday, June 21st, 2007
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9:28 pm
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i dont see why my parents are allowed to swear and cuss at me and im not allowed to do the same to them.
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(Find Me)
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| Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
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9:32 pm - minor setback
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i think my nose is broken.
went to basketball tonight. i played good defenseand was on this short chick in the key. they passed her the ball and i took the elbow to the face. it kinda hurt and it bled a lot for a long time. so i cleaned up, got blood all over the bathroom and jumped back in.
now my nose feels like im continuously about to sneeze.
in other news, hopefully i will be progressing forward with my "mission," despite the nose setback. i expect i will start shooting next week at the earliest, if dre has the time. so yeah.
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(Find Me)
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| Sunday, June 17th, 2007
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10:13 pm
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after researching, i believe the first step in this process is to document everything. logically i should use my lj.
i have a websites with all the agencies and thier contacts. I have all the makeup i need, but i may need special clothes for the comp card. the comp card will be 5.5" by 8.5". one side will be a close up, most likely hair will be down. im tihnking making that one a black n white, but my eyes their true color. kinda like sin city. but i dont know how well thatll go over in this business.
the other four pics on the back should defnitley vary. i know for sure one will be bikini and one will be hockey/sporty. i will need to buy a new bikini whose colors go well with whatever the hell background ill be using.
i have five photography options: dre, kailey, mom, dad, and alex. however, i need to explore all options in order to make a great comp card. thats the hard part.
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(4 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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| Thursday, May 24th, 2007
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4:55 pm
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im making another "movie" rt now and it occured to me i may not have posted that i made another movie so heres how u can see it if ur bored
go to youtube and search blackrose231105
or go to my myspace and click videos
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(Find Me)
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| Tuesday, May 22nd, 2007
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8:03 pm
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| Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
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7:05 pm
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Attention: all students with mental illness:
due to recent events and in the preservation of our education, do not let your academic institution become aware of your state of mind. As of last week, people all across america are judging you more than they ever have. in the past, schools have asked students not to return to school because they attempted suicide and they will continue to do so.
this is so wrong.
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(5 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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| Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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8:01 pm
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3:07 am
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i, like everyone else, have spent the day watching the news. im not going to lie, im pretty disturbed. i havent been able to think about anything else.
but watching newscasters interview with experts disturbed me too. "how can we identify these destructive people?" they ask. the response always has the term "mentally ill" in it. and they say in a way that implies that the mentally ill are responsible for the gun corruption in america.
WTF? its not our fault we're sick, and not all of us are prone to that behavior.
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(2 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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| Monday, April 16th, 2007
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4:18 am - it's coming...
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| Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
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9:48 pm - and so it begins...
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the first of my harry potter book release nightmares has popped up. i dreamt everyone had a copy but me and there was no way i could get one. *shudder*
must.....pre....order.....
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(3 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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| Friday, March 16th, 2007
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12:42 pm
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here i am sitting in comp sci waiting for 2 00 to come. im really hungry. and tired. and i love someone who loves me back...!!!!!!!!!uubersweet!
0000000000000011
0111000000000100
1111000000000000
0000000000000001
0000000000000010
i hate binary.
happy bday drakie!!!!
cant wait till spring break...i miss friends and the fam.
*sigh*
"Jump
Enter the following machine language program into the machine simulator:
Example 4. Jump Instruction Machine Language Program
0000000000000100
0111000000000101
1000000000000110
1111000000000000
0000000000000001
0000000000000010
0100000000000011
1111000000000000
This program contains an instruction with the opcode 1000.
Copy the opcodes of this program into your Lab Notebook. Run the program and next to each opcode record the value of the PC after the instruction is done.
Carefully examine the list of values that the PC had. See if you notice anything unusual.
In your Lab Notebook explain in words what the instruction with the opcode 1000 did. Also determine where the value placed into the PC came from. "
........son of a bitch.
current mood:  hungry
current music: diary of jane, bb
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(1 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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| Monday, February 5th, 2007
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6:26 pm - Ben Moody's Inspiration for "Haunted"
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A little girl around 8 or 9 in a little white Easter dress is walking down a neighborhood street bouncing a little red ball. As she approaches an obviously deserted large house with a sinister demeanor, her attention moves from the ball to the house. Not paying attention to her bouncing, the ball hits the curb and ricochets toward the house. As she chases the little red ball toward the house, the ball picks up unnatural momentum and bounces right into the huge gaping front door. The little girl pauses for a moment, looks up at the house, which now appears to be staring down at her, and cautiously enters the house in search of her little red ball. as she slowly walks into the atrium, she surveys the decaying mess that once was obviously a beautiful mansion. She becomes mesmerized by the exquisite detail of every inch of the banister winding up the seemingly endless staircase in front of her. Suddenly her thoughts are broken by a horrifying commotion. She whips around to run out the front door, but finds only a blank wall where the door once stood. Frightened, she runs down the first hallway she sees, trying desperately to find a way out, but with every turn the world behind her changes, bending to the will of the house, so that even finding a path back to the atrium where she began becomes impossible. Terrified, the little girl sinks into a corner, puts her head in her hands, and weeps. 10 years later.... The little girl wakes up in a panic, now a young woman. Dirty, scarred. She's now clothed in black pants, work boots, and a black wife beater. Her skin is pale and dirty. Sun has not graced her flesh in over a decade. She wakes to find a meal placed on a dirty silver tray before her, just enough to sustain life, just like every morning before. Placed there by a figure she can only see in passing, around a corner, walking through a door.... a figure that has become her only friend, and her only hate. Her entire existence has become nothing but to hunt and destroy this shadow that keeps her here. As she hunts him relentlessly day after day, she becomes lost in the dichotomy of her being. This thing that keeps her here, this person that repeatedly rapes her mind and watches her when she sleeps, has become her only friend. For is this person left, she would cease to exist. For she live only to kill him. But lives only FOR him. Every day the house changes around her, so that every day she wakes in a foreign land. The only constant... is him. She hears his heart beating, she smells him, she can only think of finding him, but he is also the only thing she knows of love.
current music: "Haunted," Evanescence
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(Find Me)
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| Monday, December 11th, 2006
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4:29 am - greetings from beautiful kent ohio!!
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what a shitty week this is gonna be. at this point finals are the least of my worries.
this week me, steve, shawn, blake, and alex have our judicial hearing. they caught us having an airgun fight in the hall. so now we might get kicked outta school.fanfuckingtastic. worst part of that is that i have to wake up at like 730. and steves making me wear makeup ><
had hockey this weekend. sat game in columbus and sun game in cincy. my new skates are really sweet. but then i got ejected from the columbus game after the first period with us leading 1-0. maybe i looked like i was enjoying playing too much. no but really the ref was an asshole. there was not one time in the game when there wasnt someone in one of the boxes. we were on the penalty kill. i went behind our net to dig it out. then some bitch fell on top of me. so i kicked her. *shudder* gkhsagfaeriuesrluvcdksaOMFG i know what ur thinking, and no i didnt do it to hurt her. i did it so she'd get off of me. anyways the ref decided to give me the harshest call in usa hockey: a match penalty. i was unofficially suspended for the next 2 games our team played.
after the game(we lost 3-2), abbey and i talked with coach and the columbus coach. everyone thought it was crap. yes i kicked her, and maybe i should have been thrown out, but normally to get a match penalty you'd have to purposely slit someones throat with ur skate. coach was pissed and i was upset.
so i got to watch at our sunday game. not play. WATCH. i didnt like it at all, i was so unhappy. except for the fact we won that one. that was good. and now i have more information about the suspension. there are 3 general options that may come thru tomorrow:
1.the ref doesnt report the incident to usa hockey within 48 hours, so i am not officially suspended. i can return to the team immediately.
2.the ref reported the incident within 48 hours. i will not be allowed to play hockey for 30 days. no practice, nothing. cant even sit on the bench or go in the locker room.
3.I get the 30 day suspension. POWHA (our league) could kick my whole team out. usahockey could not allow my team to play for a season. i could be banned from usahockey all together.
so now abbey tells ne that he has a lawyer lined up if things get complicated. so right now i pretty much feel like the world is against me. oh well. at least im not stressin for finals...
current music: Riot, 3DG
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(2 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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| Sunday, August 27th, 2006
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9:08 pm - first full day at school...
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you know its going to be a good year when:
-the school spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on the welcoming fireworks.
-you cant decide whetther to play halo, play halo on live, watch tv, watch a movie, eat, walk around with ppl, fuck, or sleep
-ur roommate meets your boyfriend for the first time by walking in on the two of you having sex.
...this years gonna be SWEET
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(3 Lost Souls | Find Me)
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up_chuck's journal
